The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – Mark Manson


Recommandation : 4/5

Publication originale : 2016

Lu : 11 février 2020

Où : Paris

Pages : 216












Sommaire

  1. CHAPTER 1: Don’t Try
    • The Feedback Loop from Hell
    • The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
    • So Mark, What the Fuck Is the Point of This Book Anyway?
  2. CHAPTER 2: Happiness Is a Problem
    • The Misadventures of Disappointment Panda
    • Happiness Comes from Solving Problems
    • Emotions Are Overrated
    • Choose Your Struggle
  3. CHAPTER 3: You Are Not Special
    • Things Fall Apart
    • The Tyranny of Exceptionalism
    • B-b-b-but, If I’m Not Going to Be Special or Extraordinary, What’s the Point?
  4. CHAPTER 4: The Value of Suffering
    • The Self-Awareness Onion
    • Rock Star Problems
    • Shitty Values
    • Defining Good and Bad Values
  5. CHAPTER 5: You Are Always Choosing
    • The Choice
    • The Responsibility/Fault Fallacy
    • Responding to Tragedy
    • Genetics and the Hand We’re Dealt
    • Victimhood Chic
    • There Is No “How”
  6. CHAPTER 6: You’re Wrong About Everything (But So Am I)
    • Architects of Our Own Beliefs
    • Be Careful What You Believe
    • The Dangers of Pure Certainty
    • Manson’s Law of Avoidance
    • Kill Yourself
    • How to Be a Little Less Certain of Yourself
  7. CHAPTER 7: Failure Is the Way Forward
    • The Failure/Success Paradox
    • Pain Is Part of the Process
    • The “Do Something” Principle
  8. CHAPTER 8: The Importance of Saying No
    • Rejection Makes Your Life Better
    • Boundaries
    • How to Build Trust
    • Freedom Through Commitment
  9. CHAPTER 9: . . . And Then You Die
    • Something Beyond Our Selves
    • The Sunny Side of Death

Notes

“It then follows that finding something important and meaningful in your life is perhaps the most productive use of your time and energy. Because if you don’t find that meaningful something, your fucks will be given to meaningless and frivolous causes.”

Self-awareness onion layers :

  1. A simple understanding of one’s emotions. “This is when I feel happy.” “This makes me feel sad.” “This gives me hope.”
  2. An ability to ask why we feel certain emotions.
  3. Our personal values: Why do I consider this to be success/failure? How am I choosing to measure myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me?

“Take a moment and think of something that’s really bugging you. Now ask yourself why it bugs you. Chances are the answer will involve a failure of some sort. Then take that failure and ask why it seems “true” to you. What if that failure wasn’t really a failure? What if you’ve been looking at it the wrong way?”

Good values are

  1. Reality-based
  2. Socially constructive
  3. Immediate and controllable.

Good, healthy values: honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself, standing up for others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity.

Bad, unhealthy values: dominance through manipulation or violence, indiscriminate fucking, feeling good all the time, always being the center of attention, not being alone, being liked by everybody, being rich for the sake of being rich, sacrificing small animals to the pagan gods.

What “self-improvement” is really about: prioritizing better values, choosing better things to give a fuck about. Because when you give better fucks, you get better problems. And when you get better problems, you get a better life.

Responsability ==> Power

“With great responsibility comes great power.” The more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.

Life = Poker

“I see life in the same terms. We all get dealt cards. Some of us get better cards than others. And while it’s easy to get hung up on our cards, and feel we got screwed over, the real game lies in the choices we make with those cards, the risks we decide to take, and the consequences we choose to live with. People who consistently make the best choices in the situations they’re given are the ones who eventually come out ahead in poker, just as in life. And it’s not necessarily the people with the best cards.”

Less certainty

“And it’s in these moments of insecurity, of deep despair, that we become susceptible to an insidious entitlement: believing that we deserve to cheat a little to get our way, that other people deserve to be punished, that we deserve to take what we want, and sometimes violently.”

“The more you embrace being uncertain and not knowing, the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don’t know.”

“The more we admit we do not know, the more opportunities we gain to learn.”

Manson’s law of avoidance

“The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it.”

Rule of life

“If it’s down to me being screwed up, or everybody else being screwed up, it is far, far, far more likely that I’m the one who’s screwed up.”

Achieve Meaning

“Ultimately, the only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance in one’s life is through a rejection of alternatives, a narrowing of freedom, a choice of commitment to one place, one belief, or (gulp) one person.”

Russian society & trust

“Russian society found the most valuable currency to be trust. And to build trust you have to be honest. That means when things suck, you say so openly and without apology. People’s displays of unpleasant honesty were rewarded for the simple fact that they were necessary for survival—you had to know whom you could rely on and whom you couldn’t, and you needed to know quickly.”

Parent relationship = Love relationship

“This goes not just for romantic relationships, by the way, but also for family relationships and friendships. An overbearing mother may take responsibility for every problem in her children’s lives. Her own entitlement then encourages an entitlement in her children, as they grow up to believe other people should always be responsible for their problems.
(This is why the problems in your romantic relationships always eerily resemble the problems in your parents’ relationship.)”

Healthy/Unhealthy relationships

“The mark of an unhealthy relationship is two people who try to solve each other’s problems in order to feel good about themselves. Rather, a healthy relationship is when two people solve their own problems in order to feel good about each other.”

“You both should support each other. But only because you choose to support and be supported. Not because you feel obligated or entitled.”

“Entitled people who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they “fix” their partner and save him or her, they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.”

Obligation/Voluntarity

“It can be difficult for people to recognize the difference between doing something out of obligation and doing it voluntarily. So here’s a litmus test: ask yourself, “If I refused, how would the relationship change?” Similarly, ask, “If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the relationship change?””

Unconditional love

“It’s not about giving a fuck about everything your partner gives a fuck about; it’s about giving a fuck about your partner regardless of the fucks he or she gives. That’s unconditional love, baby.”