Love Rules – Joanna Coles


Recommandation : 4/5

Publication : 2018

Lu : 28 décembre 2019

Où : Dreux

Pages : 256












Sommaire

Foreword

Part One: Take Inventory

Rule #1: Establish your ideal love weight.
Rule #2: Clear out your cupboards and sweep the fridge.
Rule #3: Begin a dating detox to reset your metabolism.

Part Two: Date. Rinse. Repeat.

Rule #4: The treadmill won’t run on its own. Climb on and press Start.
Rule #5: Choose the right recipes for your dating type.
Rule #6: You won’t get skinny by eating the same old sh*t.
Rule #7: stop with the comfort foods. It’s okay to be a little hungry.

Part Three: Shortcomings and Love Traps.

Rule #8: Alcohol is not a food group. Respect your limits.
Rule #9: Hookups are like french fries.
Rule #10: Porn is like chewing gum – all artificial flavor.
Rule #11: Stick to natural sugars; Substitutes are bad for your health.

Part Four: Love Rules: The Slow diet for the Long Haul.

Rule #12: Trust your gut and protect yourself with probiotics.
Rule #13: Set your own “best before” date.
Rule #14: Look for relationship role models.
Rule #15: Life is a feast. Take your place at the table.

Notes VO

Rule #4

“Dating apps are genius because they will help you locate potential partners. But only you can figure out which ones are worth meeting. “These are not dating sites, these are introducing sites,” Helen Fisher says. “The only good algorithm is your own brain”.”.

Natural system = getting to know the person

“But it is during those awkward getting-to-know-one-another moments in real-life places that love starts to blossom.”

Tinder thesis

“Rad started Tinder to replicate a coffee shop or bar experience—minus the awkwardness. “The core thesis behind Tinder is that the fundamental thing that prevents people from walking over and saying hello to someone that catches their attention is that there is no context,” he explains. “So there is not a socially acceptable reason to go say hello. The timing might not be right, the circumstances might not be right. Those are external. The internal mechanisms at work are humans’ fear of rejection.”

Power of dating app = expand social network.

Author dating approach : Align, Attract, Assess, Acquire, and Acclimate.

30’/day to swiping.

Rule #9

Relationship working : “By “work,” Fisher means, is this person someone you can explore your sexuality with? Whom you can imagine being truly intimate with? That is what good sex is.”

“By pleasure, he is talking about the warm, hopefully fabulous feeling of having good sex, which is one of several basic ingredients of any healthy and long-lasting relationship.”

Rule #10

“This circles back to knowing what brings you pleasure first and then being able to communicate that to a partner whom you trust.”

Rule #11

“Empathy, the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, is a key ingredient in any relationship.”

Narcissism in men = yes to theses :

  • Does he talk endlessly about himself?
  • Does he bad-mouth his ex?
  • Does he keep asking how much he means to you and then setting up tests where you have to reinforce that he comes first?
  • Does he criticize your friends? Does he compete for your attention around them?
  • Does he get jealous of any other people in your life?

Education principle :

“Yes to any of the above is an indicator of a narcissist. Dr. Jean Twenge’s fascinating research specializing in millennials focuses on the uptick of narcissistic traits in a generation she says grew up being told they were special. They turned up for games and got a trophy for participation; their grades were inflated; their parents applauded every cough, spit-up, and burp. Her book Generation Me argues that social media exacerbates all that early parental indulgence. “All the recent changes in our culture, specifically social media and its impact, encourage a cultural individualism,” Twenge explains. “So there is more focus on the self and less on social roles and the collective in general.” This can be good—more positive self-views, she says, and “a trend toward more equality around race and gender.” But it can also lead to greater levels of narcissism. “It’s where the self is all-important and other people are only useful for what they can do for you.””

Rule #12

Case for watching good news instead of bad ones : improve health

“witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin, occasionally referred to as the “love hormone,” which aids in lowering blood pressure and improving our overall heart health”

Rule #14

Arguing rule : “It looked as though it might escalate when the man suddenly said to the woman, “BIC,” and they both calmed down.” BIC = Bollocking In Car.

Truth = “No one emerges well from arguing in front of others.”

Things to look for in couples

“Look for couples who support each other publicly, make each other laugh, celebrate each other’s achievements, smile obligingly as their partner tells a story they have undoubtedly heard a dozen times before. Look at the couples you admire.”

Rule #15

3 pillars of long-lasting love :

“slow love is an organic and healthy process that involves three pillars: lust, romance, and attachment. The first two can happen either first or second. In other words, you can fall in love with someone before you have sex, or you can have sex first and then fall in love. But the attachment stage, that third piece, is what you need for a long-term partner. That takes time, and as much as you would like to, you can’t speed it up.”

““Our expectations have only risen,” Perel says. “We still want everything we wanted from traditional relationships—companionship, economic support, family life, children, and legacy. But on top of it, we want our partner to be our best friend, trusted confidant, passionate lover, and intellectual equal, as well as the best parent.” We live twice as long today as we did a hundred years ago, which puts that much more pressure on this one person.”